For a year, I've been plagued with problems that seemed to be insurmountable. I never had these problems in high school and community college; the education at those places were parts-based and did not focus on the "whole." And yet to see the "whole" was something I kept striving to see, but in the process I realized my loneliness and my struggles.
I only told three people of my struggles, and personally I thought I would keep them a secret from people for the longest time. But I do not wish to keep this a secret any longer. It is time I told of my story. But a new story, a story about a young adult who found out he has Asperger's Syndrome.
The following is a link to a website that lists the symptoms of Asperger's Syndrome: http://www.cigna.com/individualandfamilies/health-and-well-being/hw/medical-topics/aspergers-syndrome-zq1008.html
I was told from an early age that I was born with dystonic cerebral palsy, a diskinetic cerebral palsy that affected fine motor ability, coordination, and attributed to the weaknesses found in the left side of my body. Now, there are many different kinds of cerebral palsy--many--but this is the one I have. This form of cerebral palsy also leads to different social behaviors, which explained a lot of things for me and my family who diagnosed me with it. The following is a link to a website that lists the symptoms of Dystonic Cerebral Palsy: http://www.medicalmalpracticelawyers.md/the-major-causes-of-dystonic-cerebral-palsy/.
My family did everything to keep me diagnosed as a person with dystonic cerebral palsy. I could have been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome potentially much earlier in my life, but there was no need to do that. I was happy; my life as it was never required me to examine the "whole" that I am now seeking. I lived according to the parts. And my life became increasingly dominated by the parts as my way of the world became increasingly narrower and narrower thanks to the increasing stresses of high school and community college simultaneously as well as my other developing interests in looking for an elusive "truth." For by looking for the truth, what I find is this: I narrow my mindset so as to no longer wonder at the world and ask what makes it up or what occurs in that world. I did this, and I became acquainted with my new narrow mindset as a friend as I sought stability to reduce the impacts of what I was finding out about the world around me.
But then I came to St. John's College in Santa Fe, NM last year in August. Suddenly I am challenged by my tutors to look for the elusive "whole," which I find out is expanding my world-view by forcing me to make a new one. A dynamic world view. Part of this world view has included trusting in people more and the "process," but I have not done this yet; I do not know how to proceed doing this and, furthermore, I am unsure as to whether my peers can guide me "on the process" if I am unaware of what it is. Part of it is also that I need confidence--I have quite significant confidence problems--and thus I rely on my own views to give me that. But yet I am asked to find confidence dynamically, confidence without stability, a confidence that I can generate from within myself at any time.
I've struggled this year to look at the "whole." And lately whenever I thought of the "whole" and the "parts," I've struggled in looking for those things. I broke down into tears. The situation brought me down to missing some classes so as to deal with this new-found obstacle in my life. It got to the point of breaking down in seminar. It got to the point of writing papers about not being able to see the "whole." Rather, the "part" shined, but not the "whole." I wanted the "whole" and the "part" to shine together, but they have not shown together yet. I could not find that light, unfortunately...I thought I would never see it.
And then I called my father last night. I had to leave my seminar on Aristotle's Poetics because I just saw problems with myself seeing the "whole." I had to leave...and this is why I left. I left to talk to my father and ask him for advice on this issue...and, if I must say, this conversation, this missing of one seminar has really changed my life...and it will be for the much better direction... Most kids, most young adults do not have many opportunities to change their lives, and this is because the state and other pressures control what these kids and young adults become. We emphasize the needs of the state and the needs of others before ourselves in career choices despite the fact that we also emphasize that we should pick what we want to do with our lives. The needs of the state, the needs of others are the needs of "parts" and we, therefore, by examining these needs do not examine the "whole." Instead, we follow and we become what we follow and focus our attention on. We deprive ourselves in the "parts" instead of fulfilling ourselves with the "whole." It is said that we fulfill ourselves in other ways, but it is through the "whole" we get the most satisfaction. And it is in the "whole" that we find ourselves and the world around us...tonight was the first step in a very exciting direction in life. I await my journey to find "wholeness" in my life again.
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